On a night when Jordan Pickford’s distribution deteriorated and Jarrad Branthwaite added to Sean Dyche’s gloom by going off injured, nothing summed up the extent of Everton’s collapse more than the fact that the players who tried hardest to stop Cole Palmer scoring were wearing blue.
Such is the nature of life at Stamford Bridge for Mauricio Pochettino, whose side are three points off sixth place after their most emphatic win in the Premier League this season. Some teams cruise through 6-0 thrashings, but not Chelsea. They are sometimes brilliant, always enigmatic and still, despite fleeting signs of progress, prone to moments of inexplicable immaturity.
Palmer, of course, is never affected by the chaos. He destroyed Everton with his second hat-trick in consecutive home games, which makes it 20 goals and nine assists since his move from Manchester City last summer, and he did not even flinch when the petulant pair of Nicolas Jackson and Noni Madueke tried to take a second-half penalty off him.
No wonder an unimpressed Pochettino would later confirm that Palmer is the designated taker. He knows that nothing fazes his best player. Given the chance to convert his ninth penalty of the season, Palmer waited for Jackson and Madueke to move aside, then faced down Pickford, sent the England goalkeeper the wrong way and made it 5-0 with his fourth goal of a horribly one-sided affair.
This was one to forget for Pickford, who had already gifted Palmer his hat-trick goal with a wayward pass. Everton, as James Tarkowski later acknowledged, were embarrassing. Instead of displaying the fight that might be expected from a team perched two points above the bottom three, they disgraced themselves after going behind and, judging by the nature of their risible defending and pedestrian attack, cannot base their hopes of survival on winning their appeal against their latest points deduction for breaching profitability and sustainability regulations.
True, Everton feel a sense of injustice. The pre-match bulletins from Chelsea focused a growing injury list and revelations contained within their year-end accounts about a loss of £90.1m being soothed by the sale of two hotels from one club-affiliated entity to another. Others can only marvel at the financial creativeness.
But Everton have made mistakes in the boardroom and are a mess on the pitch. They started well, pressing Chelsea high, and should have led when Beto missed from Séamus Coleman’s early cross.
It was a costly error from the player filling in for the hamstrung Dominic Calvert-Lewin. Dyche said his players were “miles off” and criticised their lack of application. In fairness, though, when someone did try to put a tackle in on Palmer it ended with Chelsea taking the lead.
Branthwaite was probably showing the right level of aggression when he confronted Palmer. So adept at receiving the ball under pressure, however, Palmer took a pass from Malo Gusto, swivelled and nutmegged Branthwaite with a delicious piece of skill. A good centre-back was left on the floor and soon it was Amadou Onana’s turn to be bamboozled. Palmer flicked a clever pass to Jackson, ran on to the striker’s lay-off and jabbed in a glorious, curling shot with his left foot.
It was the kind of impudence that must have made Steve Holland, England’s assistant manager, think that Gareth Southgate has to take Palmer to Euro 2024. Holland was present for this rout and he soon saw Everton unravel. Five minutes later, they all stood still when Conor Gallagher stopped a ball going out of play. Moisés Caicedo took over, barging past James Garner, and Mykhailo Mudryk reached the byline. Jackson shot, Pickford saved and Palmer headed in his second.
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The perfect hat-trick was completed inside 30 minutes. After going long at the outset, Everton decided to try their hand at playing out from the back. It was going well until Pickford passed straight to Palmer, who scored a nonchalant lob with his right foot.
Worse was to follow. Everton’s right flank of Ashley Young and Coleman – combined age: 73 – creaked when Marc Cucurella surged on to Palmer’s pass. The left-back’s cross reached Jackson, who turned and bashed a shot past Pickford.
Jackson deserved his 10th league goal of the season after tormenting Tarkowski and Branthwaite. Everton, who were booed off at half-time, were a mess. Their problems increased when Branthwaite limped off in the 55th minute.
The suffering continued, Pickford denying Palmer. Moments later Palmer and Madueke both went down in the area. Paul Tierney eventually penalised the challenge on Palmer, which was the cue for Madueke and Jackson to have their meltdown. It needed Gallagher to step in and give the ball to Palmer. Chelsea scored, but Pochettino was furious.
Dyche was the manager with bigger problems, though, and there would be further damage to Everton’s goal difference when the Chelsea substitute, Alfie Gilchrist, lashed in his first senior goal after more miserable defending.
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